“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
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Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.