“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
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Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
