Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

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girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

you stereotypes are all alike

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver