Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

#oldknees

joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.