“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
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At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
Revenge served cold
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances