The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
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who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Strange
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected