The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
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[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!