The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
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*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Good morning ☺️
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*