The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
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Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.