Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

i hope my email finds you on fire

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

u spoke cat all this time??????

Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.

VS

Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.

Me: What was it testing?

11: My patience.

Me: I need to lose some weight.

Fries: Let’s do it together.

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.