Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This one, by a wide margin

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?

Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?

Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.