The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
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Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Strange
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.