The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
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[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
My background check bounced.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Love this one 😂🧟
