The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
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a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice![]()
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.