The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
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concern
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Cyber Monday has become too commercialized
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *