Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

😭😭😭

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice

I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth