Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search

1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

🙁

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.