The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.
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Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“I’m helping” 😅
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.