The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.
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Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US