The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.
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My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
the prophecy has been fulfilled
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*