Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)

cashier: sure that’ll be $25

me: ok

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.

I’m about to make it rein, deer.

(Please don’t block me.)

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch