Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

I need to sieze this.

Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

me after drinking all the wine:

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

Always

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’