The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
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INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
S O O N
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Godspeed, John Glenn
They’re on their honeymoon
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down