Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something

How to make infinite energy.

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:

Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”

Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*

My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.

What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.