Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

Phonetics

[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*