Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

Ummm 😳

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled