Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit

[break-in]

BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball