Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I laugh on my period

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

bartender: pick your poison

wicked witch of the west: water

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.

Some of y’all tomorrow …

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

me to God

Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?

It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no