Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.