Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”

Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

Something Saturday.

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.