The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
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*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I think about this cartoon a lot.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
(Jupiter –
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT