Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What a year we’ve had this week.

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

started wrapping my pills in cheese

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol

Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.

Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store