The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
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what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Uh oh…
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
That’s amazing.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!