Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

this came to me in a vision

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want