The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
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I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
the council will decide your fate
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.