Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

Had an epiphany today.

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.