Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*

webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.