The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
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I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why