The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
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Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming