The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
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All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.