Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

*Gets left on read for hours*

Me: “I’m never talking to them again”

Them: *Finally replies*

Me:

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!