The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
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Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.