The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
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I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I love texting my boyfriend
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”