the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
You Might Also Like
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.
I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
The answer is funnier than the question
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*