the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
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I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Are we there yet?…
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
*orders delivery*
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.