The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
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WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.