The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
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as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.