Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…