Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.