The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
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[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.