The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
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Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Mapping America’s Far Right
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.