Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*

Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.

Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.

Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.

Me: Leave the military out of this.

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

I’d rather fork than spoon.

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

Wife & son backing out in the car,

4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]

4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

make up your mind

is this how new cars are made??