The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
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[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Body by Oreos
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.