Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it

Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.

Voldemort: not cool

The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.

me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.

them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to

me: that’s better

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese