The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
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She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone