The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
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doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Eat…
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
What’s so funny?
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
In space, no one can hear…
