The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
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Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
#dnd #ttrpg
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
(Jupiter –
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.