it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
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Mario is a game where you save a girl from the terrible fate of hanging with a dude who owns a castle
My neighbour wasn’t in when her wedding dress was delivered. She called to ask me if I would take it in for her, so I did and now she’s mad because I made it too tight.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I emailed my ex-girlfriend “Are you still alive” and she emailed back “No” which made me sad but also excited that they have email in hell.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
My neighbor hates preparing food for his horses with his son, coz the boy always finds ways to mess things up.
So instead, he’ll ask the boy to polish his shoes to keep him busy, and then he’ll hurry to the stables to work. He makes hay while the son shines
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”