The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
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Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.