The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
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It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
let’s discuss
okay run it by me one more time
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.