Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

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HEYYYY MACARENA

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.