The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
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My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
This a good idea
Ugh but profoundly
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2