Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.