HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
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In high school I was voted class clown because I dragged like three kids into the sewer
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
No YOU sober up, lamp.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
Gravediggers: this is why