The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
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“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
My life in a nutshell
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.