@wildethingy

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

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@TheToddWilliams

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

@zachreinert0

In high school I was voted class clown because I dragged like three kids into the sewer

@Kica333

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

@DanMentos

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

@imteddybless

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

@notalogin

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why