The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.

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[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30


And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa


[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup


I may not be book smart or street smart and I may not have much common sense and I’m really not sure where I was going with this.


I don’t mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day diet in 3 hours and 15 minutes.


*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.


A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.


Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”


Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table


My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA