Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.
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from Jabba the Hutt’s perspective Star Wars is the story of a guy who owed him money and then instead of paying had his friends murder him
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Nice try, people that invite me to things that aren’t in my house
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I’m shocked by your behavior.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.