@just1fool

The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.

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@sixfootcandy

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

@petridishes

from Jabba the Hutt’s perspective Star Wars is the story of a guy who owed him money and then instead of paying had his friends murder him

@McNevich

Nice try, people that invite me to things that aren’t in my house

@NutellaV

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

@LoveNLunchmeat

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

@hazelmotes1

I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I’m shocked by your behavior.

@squirrel74wkgn

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.