The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
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So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
dam girl
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday