The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
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what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
reduce, reuse, recycle
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door