The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
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There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.