The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
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doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Tough love is true love
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no