@Ygrene

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

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@sageboggs

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

@_sleepysmile

Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.

@andylassner

So Amish people just yell their tweets from the top of their barns?

@thetruealban

Flash floods in Arizona last night. We nominate California and Texas. #ALSIceBucketChallenge

@sarcasticmommy4

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

@salamingia

A speedo is just a man’s way of saying “not today girls”.

@TheToddWilliams

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

@Donna_McCoy

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.