The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
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[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
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Expectations vs. Reality
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.