Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

Bill is short for Billiam

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.

So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.