The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms
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[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.