The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms
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I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk