The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
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Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
💯😂
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Mood.. 😂
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
