The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
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I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.