The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
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When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir