The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
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[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
definitely did not do anything wrong
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Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-