Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.