Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?

Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*